If I’ve learned anything this month it’s that I’m an insecure person. Like a really insecure person. There’s people who tell you that you’re really good at presenting yourself or that you seem confident in who you are. What a lie! 

I’ve never felt like I needed validation more in my life. I feel like I need to know what people think about me, what their feelings are toward me, the way I do life, and how I fit into their own world. 

I am uncomfortable. I feel so lost and misunderstood, like I need to question my motives on everything crossing my path. I’m at a point where the attention I’m receiving from others can be positive, but I instantly become skeptical. 

People aren’t honest anymore, they are two-faced, and only tell people what they want to hear. I surround myself with people who only complain about others and for a long time it hadn’t been a big deal, because it was them and not me. Lately that’s no longer the case, those complaints are rubbing off on me and it’s incredibly difficult to pull positive things out of something so horrible. 

Then there’s part of me that’s like, this is stupid, people need to vent, I need to vent.  There’s always learning to experience and problems to confront. A mentor of mine always preaches about being a safe place for people who need to confide in someone. All of the dishonesty that I’m getting makes me feel useless though, as if the safe place I’ve created is safer for me than for others. 

Insecurity sucks. It eats away at you and comes up at times when you need to feel confident in what you’re doing. The thing about complaining in particular, is that you can listen to someone complain about someone else who you may or may not know, and feel like you understand their perspective or at least gain some understanding of where they’re coming from. But what are they saying about you to others if they’re speaking so poorly of this person you might know? Yes, I have been coming to conclusions lately. 

This is my rut that I’m in; this is something to add to the list of things that I need to work on. Self validation is something that I lack. It is something that nobody else can give me. The first step to change is to acknowledge that you have a problem. Now I’m just trapped in the loop hole of how to get past this.

It’s almost October and here I am reminding myself of why I started this blog to begin with. I am a pessimist; I complain a lot and really only see negative things. My conclusions are worst case scenario and it makes people question me. There have been points where I go full force on my complaints, making them well known and I never feel better after getting them off of my chest.

There is a difference in listening though, and I’m thankful for all of the poor souls that have dealt with each negative aspect fumbling from my mouth. Yes, life will throw curve balls and sometimes it’s easy to get trapped in a hole, but focusing on those negative pieces of any situation will literally do nothing good. How do you move forward when you live life looking into the past consistently? In the words of a dear friend of mine, “Look at the good in people, see those flaws and move on from them… Never hold onto grudges for people who are merely passing by.”

“Look at the good in people, see those flaws and move on from them… Never hold onto grudges for people who are merely passing by.”