In January I had a blog list, a bucket list, and a desire to make each thing on them happen. It’s still the beginning of the year I guess, but there’s been a change in plans you see.

I never realized how easy it is for someone to control your life motives, feelings, or to mess with your emotions. Before my blog list changed, I had intended to write a post about dropping people. Not just anyone though, dropping those people who are temporary. The people who are put into your life so that you can learn a lesson, figure out more about yourself, and later move on.

So I’ll start from the beginning on this one…

2017 I blocked a total of 42 people on all forms of social media. Not only was the election showing me the real faces of a lot of individuals from my small hometown, but I am one of those people that get really annoyed with continuous pity posts from the same people routinely. I got told to just unfollow them, well that would be great, but there’s still leakage with that. Seeing memories on Facebook or Timehop with certain people who you’re really just done with isn’t something i’m interested in.

My life became a lot more peaceful without these people showing up on my feed. I always find it funny when your communication with old friends just becomes a like button.

Moving on, I’m looking at past relationships or friendships and realized how toxic some of these people are. It really is easy for people to control you when you’ve given so much of yourself to them. Then when things end and you’re free again, it can make you feel like you really didn’t have any worth to them.

I value a lot of people. Over the past week I’ve watched probably too many SoulPancake videos and listened to a lot of music about focusing on yourself. I don’t know if it’s because I was trying to gain some kind of inspiration to move forward, or if it was to look for those people who see you in a hole, reach down into it, pull you up, dust you off and tell you that they put worth into you.

I’ve come to realize through what those people are saying and what I’m recollecting, I am not okay. I have been pouring so much of myself into certain people just to see how empty I’ve become and for them not to notice. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Your value is fighting to be noticed in the present and when it is denied over and over again, things get worse.

I got told to look into therapy. I got told to write out my feelings and not show anyone. I’ve been told I’m not happy or I’m unstable. I’ve been told that it is me having a pity party and I need to get over things.

Nothing makes you feel lower than when someone tells you things like these. Therapy? Just says that I can’t do this on my own and I have to pay for help. Writing for nobody but myself? If I’m writing, then the intention is for someone to read it. Unhappy? There’s a lot that just ripped me down, of course it’s going to take time before I finally find some happiness. Unstable? DUH. Get over things? Let me tell you what insensitivity is and why you’re a culprit.

I’ve become more aware that through dropping people, you find out where your value rests. Not everyone is going to be there for you. Not everyone is going to understand you. Not everyone is going to want to listen to you. You will not always be able to just pick yourself up and walk forward without looking at the things these people have done and said to you that aren’t affirming. I’ve always said it’s so easy to focus on negative things, I created this blog because of it. One of my ways to turn those negative thoughts off was to shut people out. What I’ve found through this is that when you open yourself up more, you become vulnerable and there are people who can’t respect that.

So I’ve updated my blog list and bucket list (they’ll be in my next post). I no longer know what my goals are or what I want in life, or who will be there along the way. I just know that sometimes it takes losing some people to open your eyes about who you’ve become.